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The dizziness subsided as my eyes snap open. I am in a dark room, strapped to a chair.

“What’s going on?” I ask confusedly.

“What’s going on?” a voice mimics mine with a sneer.

I look over and see Mark standing there. He has an evil, monstrous, horrible look on his face, and I get a sinking feeling I’m about to be almost raped for the 10th time this book. I mean, I’m not going to be, because I’m the protagonist and the writer doesn’t hate his readers, but it’s still going to be tense as hell as the readers wait to see how much of a douchebag the author actually is.

“Mark… why are you doing this, what is your plan?”

“My plan? I’ve always loved you Mary. Always. You were the most perfectest and wonderfullest person I ever loved, and your perfection made me yearn for you. However, in the end I was spurned, so I tried to take you by force. I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for your meddling boy toys!”

“But… I forgave you and we were going to move on!”

“I never moved on! Turns out that you should actually report it if you’re the victim of sexual assault. People who do it once and get away with it are more likely to be repeat offenders.”

Both Mark and I look at the young female readers.


“So… anyway, I was the one who contacted David’s gang and got them to attempt to rape you. It was me who convinced Zack’s old girlfriend to come back and kiss him, leading to your confusion. I also drugged Zack that night, hoping he’d get into a car accident and die. That’s right! I killed you parents!”

“No… that’s impossible.”

“Oh, but it’s true.”

“No, seriously, that’s impossible, you had to have help.”

“It looks like she found me out, its fine. I can finish this little tale of woe.” A female voice came from the darkness.

A person emerged, and it turned out to be…

“Sara! But why? You’re the quiet and well-mannered one!”

“Ha! No one ever suspects the quiet ones! But you see… when I was a little girl, bad shit happened, and because the bad shit happened, I grew up twisted and abnormal.”

“I sympathize with you, truly your life is pitiful.”

“Typical Mary Sue, I acknowledge your pity and throw it back at you. For you see, I hired those college boys who tried to rape you, and using the hidden powers of my vagina, I entranced Mark and convinced him to help me kill your abusive parents. It was all me from the beginning! I manipulated him and I manipulated you, and I manipulated everyone. Mwahahahahaha.”

“But… Sara… I thought you really loved me?” Mark whimpered.

“Love you? I can’t love anything! I’m just purely evil and malicious without any redeeming qualities or depth!”

Sara pulls out a gun and shoots Mark, who dies instantly, even though the bullet only grazes his shoulder.

“Now to complete my evil plans,” Sara picks up my phone and sends out some texts. “There, I’ve texted both David and Zack. The one who truly loves you will come here and save you. And when he does, I’ll kill him in front of you, then kill you, then somehow make it look like a murder suicide. Thank god I found this abandoned factory only 5 minutes from town where no one will hear the gunshots or suspect anything until morning.”

“Sara, you don’t have to do this. We can totally go back to being besties and pretend this never happened.”

“Hahaha. Why would I do that? You perfectly perfect bitch. You see… there was I time where I was convinced I hated you. But… the truth was that was only because I envied you so much! You see, Mary, I don’t hate you at all. I’m actually your biggest fan. I love you!”


“And now… I’m going to rape you!”


“That’s my cue!” a voice comes from the dark, and then the man she had texted lept out from the dark.

That’s right, it was him. The one who I truly loved. The one I only realized I needed to be with for the rest of my life just now… even though we’ve only known each other like four weeks now, and five minutes ago I was still struggling over picking who, this was the guy who came, so this is the guy I’m picking! Stressful emotional situations are the best time to dedicate your life to someone else!

My hero leaps forward and grabs Sara’s gun. They struggle a bit. The gun fires off twice. Sara collapses to the floor, dead. I breathe a sigh of relief. Then my love turns to me, and I see red start to form in the middle of his stomach. He was shot too! He collapses to the floor, and I start to scream his name.

*Some time Later*

*Gasp* Is he dead? No… no he isn’t. I check up on him 2 weeks later. We kiss and embrace. A month later, I’m standing in front of a beautiful landscape. He comes riding up to me on a horse. He jumps off, kneels down, and proposes to me, just as the fireflies burst into the night, comets streak across the sky, a rainbow forms, and a unicorn jumps over it.

3 Years later (Includes Bonus Alternative Ending)

I’m standing in the aisle, wearing a beautiful billion dollar dress. I have a fancy wedding filled with all my best friends and for some reason the popular girl too. She looks on with absolute envy on her face sense I got all the money and the best guy… but don’t worry, later that night she gets crushed to death by a trash compactor because that’s karmic justice for being a little mean to me.

The song starts and I begin to walk up the aisle. The person who walks me up the aisle is actually David/Zack. After the incident, he realized how much the other guy, Zack/David, meant to me. Since my father was dead now, he wanted to be the one to walk me down the aisle, so I consented.

David/Zack is now dating my best girl Jessica. They’re wedding is next month! Jane was set up with Eric… you know, the drummer from that one scene. See I didn’t forget about him. Ren is the best man, and he’s giving a wink to a couple girls so far, always the playboy.

I walk up the aisle, seeing Zack/David in the groom attire, I couldn’t help but swoon. However, today was my day, so we walked the rest of the way up the aisle.

David/Zack gave Zack/David a nod as he handed me over to him, a look of deep rooted respect now between the two. Although both men loved me, David/Zack realized that that love wasn’t the same kind of love, and he now needed to let me go since it was plot convenient.

“We are gathered here today in joy and in the joining of two souls…”

My hands began to shake, and then it became time for me to talk. “I do.”

“And do you take this woman to be your wife?”

Zack/David gave me a rich smile. “I do”.

Our lips meet and it’s the most passionate and wonderful kiss there ever was.

The End.

Do you like my story? Then please comment and star and follow and also read all of my other stories, which are actually all just variations of this one. Oh… and stay tuned for Every Fan Fiction Ever 2, where I beat a dead horse in a desperate attempt to maintain my reader base by having the same characters do the same crap, but now they’re a few years older. Also look forward to the EFFE: Lite… the rewriting of this story in the PoV of her pet rock. 

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