Every Fantasy Ever Written
It’s dark and creepy and scary. There is the sound of growling and monsters screaming through the night. I walk along the midnight path, only lit by the moon and the stars and apparently my skin because the area around me is perfectly illuminated while 5 feet away is complete darkness. I seemed to be walking through a dark forest, along a rough forest trail.
“Save me…” a voice seems to whisper in my ear.
I shake my head and ignore the voice. Oh, I know the voice said ‘save me’, and I know when someone says ‘save’ they usually mean right now, but I’m going to wonder around a bit in confusion, making them have to whisper it a few times while I say ‘huh?’ and ‘Am I hearing things?’.
Huh? I must be hearing things. And there we come around full circle, which is good, because I now see a girl in the distance who is also strangely lit up like a poorly planned plot point. At least I know she’s important, because why else would she be the only other thing visible on this poorly lit path surrounded by impenetrable darkness? I know, maybe she’s the one who wants to be saved?
I walk up to the girl. Even though her back is turned to me and all I can see is long blonde hair and a long white princess gown, I’m going to call it and say she’s hot. In fact, she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. No one in the history of ever has ever been as beautiful and attractive and pure and princess-like as she who is in front of me now.
“Do you need help?” I ask, my throat dry from the sight of her beautifulness.
She turns around, and just as her beautifully beautiful eyes and beautifully beautiful face came into the light, she suddenly screams. Chains begin to wrap around her body, and she starts to be pulled into the darkness. I begin to run after her. Couldn’t let someone that beautiful get taken away. I mean, even her being wrapped in darkness and being pulled away is sexy, so you’re damn right I’m going to rescue her!
No matter how fast I run, I can’t seem to reach her. She’s continued to scream, her body being pulled into the darkness.
Just as I’m about to touch her, the darkness shoots out at me, and two evil looking eyes look down.
YOU’LL NEVER OBTAIN THE CRYSTAL THRONE!
I wake up with a start and a scream. My mother is sitting next to the bed for some reason.
“Oh my, Samrand Bogglins, you woke with a start! You must have been having a nightmare!” Mom reassured me.
She gently stroked my hair as I slowly calmed down. Mom was always nice like that. She was a nondescript brown-hair brown-eyed mom who wore an apron and stayed at home as a homemaker taking care of her one and only child, me.
“Did you have a prophetic dream of the future again?” Mom asked reassuringly.
I nod, my head pressed against her chest. I’ve been having these dreams for years! When would they stop!
“Well, no matter, why don’t you get up and I’ll make you some breakfast. The village festival is today, and this year will be your coming of age ceremony!”
In our village, when men came to the ripe old age of 15 year old, we were effectively recognized as men in a ceremony that is held once a year. I had turned 15 last month, so that meant the festival couldn’t come quick enough.
We got up and I checked myself in the mirror. I had luscious long blonde hair, blue eyes, and strong facial features just starting to lose their babyishness. I was 6’2”, you’re typical farmer’s son / underwear model / pop star singer. Mom made breakfast and I sat down to eat. Dad, a simple farmer with a mysterious past as a soldier, came in shortly before I was finished eating.
“Hello, son. You’re finally awake? I need your help with some chores.”
“Alright dad, I’m almost ready.”
“That’s great son. Also, with you becoming a man today, your mother and I just want you to remember that we love you very much, and anticipate you will live a rich and rewarding life.”
“Dad! Don’t say stuff like that! You’ll make it seem like you might die suddenly.”
“Oho, your mother and I won’t suddenly die on you!” Dad laughed.
“Well, maybe if the village was attacked by Orcs! But this village hasn’t been attacked in fifty years!” Mom added.
“Oho, of course, Orcs would kill us dead. But that will NEVER happen. Isn’t foreshadowing fun?”
“So anyway kiddo, why don’t you meet up with you childhood best friend? You know, the really beautiful super attractive tomboy who’ve you known forever who is secretly desperately in love with you!”
“Mari is in love with who now?” I ask, only half paying attention to my parent’s banter.
“Oh, nothing! Go see your friend, chores can wait! I need you to delivery this package to the village chief.”
After breakfast, I head out and walk down the path to the village. About half-way there, I hear a scream. It sets something off in my brain, kind of like a dream I couldn’t quite remember. I run off the path towards the scream, and what I end up seeing is a girl wearing a cloak. She’s surrounded by wolves who look ready to eat her while waving a stick to keep them at bay.
I grab a stick and wave it at the wolves. “Get away, you stupid wolves.”
The wolves all run away, although I had to hit one on the ass before it got the hint.
“Oh, wow…” the girl said. “You saved me! You wielded that stick like a knight at my father’s castle, oh lowly peasant!”
“I’m glad you’re alright. Um… who are you?”
I finally get a look at the girl, and nearly gasp. She is probably the most beautifully beautiful girl ever. Like a supernatural and hard to deny absolute stunning beauty of beautifully beautiful-ness.
“Oh me! I am Prin- I mean… a commoner. I’m a commoner. Commoner Butterfloof!”
“Didn’t you just mention a castle or…”
“No! You misheard me! I’m a commoner, see a cloak, princesses don’t wear cloaks!”
“Ah… that’s true… and you’re name is Butterfloof?”
“Of course, Butterfloof Royaltington of the Royal… erm… commoner family!”
“Can I call you Tear for short?”
“Well, it’s either Tear or Butt and I didn’t want to assume.”
“Tear is fine! You can call me Tear!”
“So what are you doing just outside of Wadafuq village?” I asked.
“Ah… as to that… “
“Don’t worry, I won’t ask you any more questions that might make me suspect anything until your big reveal some time later.”
“Thanks for that!” she said enthusiastically.
“Want to head to the village with me? I was on the way to deliver this package to the village chief!”
“Alright, I will rough it. Make sure to have a cushion with the carriage you send.”
“Erm…. We’re walking.” I explained.
“Of course! I knew that! Because I’m a commoner, and commoners use those things on the end of their legs.” Tear’s face reddened.
“Just get walking, farmer boy.” Tear lowered her eyes.
Sometime later, I was nearly done carrying Tear to the village piggyback style. She started out walking, but about three steps later she collapsed from exhaustion. After that, I had to carry her back the rest of the way. We finally entered the town, and as we walked, people would give me smiles. Then they’d see the girl on my back and shake their heads with a laugh.
A mischievous looking boy ran up to me. “Hey, Samrand!”
“You excited about the festival?” He asked, practically jumping up and down. “We’re both going to be accepted by the village as men!”
“Well, some of us more than others?” I smirked. “But yeah, it’ll be nice.”
“You wish you were more man than me!” Aeron snorted and then looked behind me. “Who do you have on your back?”
“Ah, this, this is-“
“I am the Princess of the Realm, Butter…. Er… commoner Tear. I’m Tear!” Tear looked like she was about to cry.
“Oh, hi, Tear!” Aeron waved with an honest look on his face before moving close to my ear. “You better not let Mari see you with another girl. She’ll get mad, and when she gets mad, it’s scary…”
“What are you talking about?” I laughed. “Mari is just my friend, and besides, I’m just helping Tear out.”
“Whatever you say, bro, it’s your funeral!” Aeron gave a laugh as he backed up and took off running.
“Alright, Tear,” I said, putting her down. “We’re right in front of the inn, which also doubles as the mayor’s office, a post office, and an underground sex dungeon.”
“What was that last one?”
“Never mind that. Mayor Innkeeper Whinnerberg is the man I need to leave this package with. You can get a room and something to eat here.”
“Yo-you’re parting with me?” She asked, worried.
“For a bit. There are a few things ma asked me to pick up around town.”
“You mean at the three buildings that makes up this place.”
“Hey, it’s a small village, we have to improvise. Now let me go get some goods at the General Store/ Barbershop/ Horse stable/ Porn Theater.”
We enter into the Inn and I get Tear to sit down with some food. I explain the situation to Mayor Innkeeper Whinnerberg and he nods up and down as I talk.
“You did good, my boy, I’ll make sure she gets fed and chained up in the sex dungeon.”
“Actually, if you could just get her a room at the Inn, that’d be great.”
“That works too. Oh, and make sure to explain yourself properly to Mari, you hear?”
He was Mari’s father, after all, so I gave him a nod and a smile. I leave the inn and begin heading over to the General Store. Just as I’m about to enter the store, I notice something creepy. A bird nearby is staring at me strangely. It almost feels like it’s watching me. Suddenly, its head turns 360 degrees and it turns back onto itself.
“Yeah… they’ve been doing that lately!”
I let out a shout and jump. After hearing a laugh I look around for the source and see Mari nearby. She was sitting on a barrel against the General Store looking at me with an amused look. Her face was getting more beautiful every year. Her hair was tied back in a long pony tail and she wore very typical commoner clothing. She was holding a knife in her hand which she was nonchalantly spinning on her palm.
“So…” Mari finally spoke up.” I saw you come into town with a girl…”
“Oh, yeah. I ran into her on the way into town. She was surrounded by wolves so I scared them off and helped her to town.”
“Ah…” Mari nodded. “That’s good to hear. Because if I found out you were with another girl… I’d have to murder her, then murder you… then kill myself.”
“Stop joking around, Mari,” I laughed. “You’re such a sweet girl, you could never murder anyone! That’s why you’re my very important friend. I’ll need to stick by you forever and keep you safe!”
“For-ever… im-portant…” Mari’s eyes were wide and she was breathing out the words while blushing. “Yes, praise me more!”
“Um… Mari is sweet and cute?”
“Cute…” Mari’s head seemed to go poof and she collapsed, but a moment later she picked herself back up.
“Well… anyway, I better get on with my chores.”
Mari seemed to recover. She stood up and limped over to me, her eye’s bright as she grabbed my arm. “You better follow what you said. Forever!”
“Ow, you’re uh, hurting my arm.”
“Yes, forever… Jeez… by the way, why are you limping?”
She leans over and whispers into my ear. “I carved your name… into my leg…”
I gave Mari a laugh and patted her on the head while she blushed. She’s always such a kidder. We parted ways and I entered the General store to buy the goods mom left me.
“Will that be all?” the General Manager asked.
“Uh… my dad said he wanted some “Enlargement” potion. He said you’d know what he meant.”
“Oh, yes, of course, here, you go…”
I shrugged, not quite sure what it was. The man slid it to me all secretively under a newspaper, so I just threw it in my sack like the rest of the supplies. Well, I’m now loaded with a backpack full of enough supplies to last weeks. Of course, this was just stuff needed for the farm, but from another perspective, it’d almost seem like I was about to go on a journey. Of course, there was absolutely no reason I’d ever need to go on a journ-
“Oh my god! Orcs are attacking the village and murdering us!”
I dash outside and to my horror, every house in the village, all three of them, were on fire, including the one I just came out of.
“Wha-what’s going on?”
“I just said!” A voice came from behind one of the houses. “Orcs are attacking the village and murdering-eh… I’m stabbed. Is that blood… Oh… I think that’s blood. Heh! What are you doing? Are you eating my entrails? Holy shit, these orcs are eating my entrails while I’m still alive!”
I ignored the dying man, it was already too late for him.
“It’s not too late for me, if anyone came to rescue me I might still live through this! Hey spit that liver out, I need that to process alcohol!”
Suddenly, an orc leaped out at me. I was totally not prepared, and before I realized it, I was on my butt and the orc was raising a long brutal sword, ready to chop me in two.
“Don’t you dare touch my man!” A scream came from behind the orc.
Someone jumped on the orcs back and started stabbing the orc in the eyes wildly. Before it knew what hit it, the orc collapsed to the ground, and Mari came off its back, her body covered in orc blood and the small knife she was holding earlier in her hand. She gave me a wicked smile.
“Mari… you saved me. I owe you… anything you want, I’ll…”
“Have my babies!”
“Later! There are more orcs coming!”
I picked up the sword, which even though it seemed so big and menacing moments before, apparently fits my hand perfectly despite the fact I’m a considerably difference size from the orcs. Two orcs come at us, and while Mari chops one down with precision, I lazily swing the sword and just manage to kill mine. I mean, it was all hard and struggly and now I’m all panicked, but what the heck did you expect, that I wouldn’t kill my first orc?
Before I had a chance to calm down, there was a scream and we turned a corner to see Aeron fighting an orc with a staff. He was always really good with the staff, and he managed to knock the weapon out of the orcs hand while spinning the staff in front of him. A moment later, he cracked it’s skull with a hit and it collapsed to the ground. Afterwords, he ran up to the rest of us.
“Thank god you’re all right. Wait… 1…2…3, isn’t it four to a party?”
“That’s right! Tear!”
I ran off towards the inn in a fright. I burst through the front floor. The place was on fire and smoke was filling up the common room. Tear was sprawled out on the floor and an orc lunged at me. I defeated him with precision that a farmer boy just doesn’t have, but is convenient at this moment and time.
“Ugh… my boy…”
I moved toward the voice while keeping low, and I saw Mayor Innkeeper Whinnerberg sitting on the ground, pressed up against a wall. It took a second to realize it was him, since he was wearing leather hot pants, a skintight leather top, and a leather BDSM mask that was zipped halfway covering his forehead. He also had a sword through his chest.
“The girl… rescue the girl.”
“Tear? Is Tear alright?”
“Yes… she was unconscious before the Orcs came. I didn’t have time to bring her to the dungeon.”
“I said the inn! Not the dungeon!”
“I doesn’t matter now, get her out of here…”
“It kind of does!”
“And… take care of my daughter and keep her safe…”
“That’s rich coming from a sexual predator!”
“I believe in you… you’ll be something great some day!”
His eyes closed and I went and grabbed Tear, dragging her back out of the fire. Mari and Aeron were waiting for me at the entrance.
“What are you doing, Samrand, you could have been hurt!” Mari looked like she was about to cry.
“I’m sorry, Mari, I wasn’t able to save your father.”
“Who? Oh, right, that pervert. I don’t hold you responsible.” Mari shrugged, no longer upset.
Tear woke up. “Samrand? Wh-what happened?”
“The town is being attacked by Orcs!”
“Yeah! Just as you show up!” Mari snapped. “You wouldn’t know the cause of this, would you?”
“Eh? They’re here already? I mean… no… nothing to do with me, don’t blame me for the death of all your loved ones!”
“Loved ones?” I frowned, “Oh no! My parents!”
I stood up and ran, ignoring Mary and Aeron’s cries as I took off. I kept running as I went until I was out of the village and heading down the path. I could see smoke billowing out overhead. Oh no, I hope they are safe.
I reach our house. It’s not on fire, but every window is broken and the furniture is destroyed and it looks like a stampede rammed through the house. I ran around looking desperately, and then I saw them. My parents were lying on the floor in the bedroom. They were cut up and bloody, surrounded by dead orcs. It looked like they put up quite a good fight, but this was their last stand.
“Da-dad… mo-om…. NO!”
I looked down to see dad was still barely alive. Rather than immediately administering first aid, I decided to coddle his head in my arms while weeping sadly.
“S-son… I just want you to know… before I die… that your mother and I died in horrible pain from hundreds of cuts. It was brutal, savage, and painful.”
“Plus… the orcs raped your mother before killing her, and made me watch!”
“And then they cut off my balls, and made me eat them.”
“Dad, I don’t need the whole story!”
“Alright son… just wanted you to be nice and hating those orcs before you go and get your revenge.” Dad’s eyes glowed hot.
“Well, you see, I used to be an adventurer, then I took an arrow in the – ow, the space where my balls used to be!”
“Sorry, my foot slipped.” I responded flatly.
“Anyway, take my sword. Become an adventurer. Defeat the evil. I know you can. You have the potential to be a great hero. Do it for me… do it for your mother! I…love…you…sooooon.” His voice faded and he stopped breathing, his eyes still open, but starting to glass over.
I weep for a bit, then head outside. There, I see Tear, Mari, and Aeron waiting for me.
“I’m so sorry, Samrand. Even though my parents just died too, your parent’s death is more important and will drive your character development more than mine.” Aeron patted my shoulder.
“Yeah Samrand, “Mari added, “Do you want to have a long drawn out burial for your family where you make a promise to avenge them over their graves?”
“I think that might be best.” I nodded.
A few hours later, we had dug out two graves next to a willow tree and buried my parents. We placed nicely made wooden crosses to signify their graves. Aeron gave a beautiful eulogy while Mari and Tear fought over the right to give me comfort in the way only a woman knows how. I didn’t really get it so I ignored them and concentrated on grieving.
However, we were still in a village just attacked by orcs, and before long, we were surrounded by armies of Orcs and other horrifying monsters.
“Oh no, there is no going back now!” Aeron said.
“How are we going to get out of this one!” I asked desperately.
“I have a confession.” Tear turned to me, her eyes squeezed tight with shame. “I’m really a princess!”
“You’re a whaaaaaat. Noooo. That’s crazy….”
“Did not see that coming…” Aeron added.
“A princess… I have to compete with a princess now…” Mari looked panicked.
Anyway, I had this magical Mcguffin that was given to me in the chance I was in an inescapable situation.
“A magical Mcguffin? That’s exactly what we need!”
Just as the orcs were about to descend on us, she breaks some kind of pendant in her hand. “Go Deus Ex Machinaaaaaa!”
With a flash of light, a magical formation appears around the four of us, and a moment later, we disappear, only leaving behind the orcs and the darkness.