Every Isekai Ever Written
“Huh, how interesting…”
I found myself in another world. Not me the writer writing this, me the main character of the story, who is in no way associated with the writer writing this, even though we have the same appearance, same career aspirations, I’m more his ideal age, but we share most of the same fetishes. His fetish, I mean my fetish is big boobs. Don’t worry loli lovers, we’ll throw you a bone too.
Anyway, I died somehow, it doesn’t really matter how because my former life will never be addressed after this prologue anyway. Friends? Family? The life I spent 18 years building? Well, screw that! I’m in another world now! I might as well get on with this one. No use crying over losing everyone I’ve ever known.
Speaking of which, I was now standing in a white space next to a beautiful goddess wearing a sexy outfit showing fairly big boobs of her own. I looked at her boobs. Did I mention I like boobs? Heh… boobs….
“Hey, my eyes are up here!” The goddess demands.
“Of course,” I look up at her eyes. “Hair color, eye color, and boob size are the three descriptive features of all women.”
“I think there are a few more.” The goddess muttered.
“I’m pretty sure that’s it.” I sized her up. She had long pink hair, and oh, why the heck not, bright red eyes, and a pair of D boobs.
“Well, anyway, you died, so I’m sending you to another world because…well does anyone really care about the reason?”
“Not really, I just want to know what I get.”
“Right, because I’m sending you to another world I have to make you a cheat character. So, you’ll get certain cheat skills. What magic do you want?”
“All of it!”
“Damn straight. I want all the magic.”
“Okay… so if we’re going to make you some kind of supermage, then you stats should be…”
“All of it!”
The goddess spits out her drink. “All of it! Exactly how OP’d do you want to be?”
“Eh, just to the level of your standard Isekai protagonist.”
“You’re insane! That much power? You’ll destroy the very balance of my world, the exact thing I’m trying to avoid.”
“You make a valid argument. All the cheating powers it is.”
“And the potential to get new ones whenever the plot calls for it!”
The goddess sighs. “Fine, that too.”
“And all the bitches!”
“You’ll have to get the bitches on your own!” The goddess cries.
“How about you? Wanna be one of my bitches?”
“That’s a definite maybe!” The goddess says before she slaps her hand over her mouth. “That is to say we’ll have to wait and see. The story might not go in that direction.”
“Ah, well, while we’re discussing these things, what is your world like anyway.”
“What are the video game mechanics like?”
“Exactly like your favorite game!”
“Awesome, who’d predict DnD nerds got it right about other worlds and it’s Earth that’s a screwy abnormality.”
“Yeah, it really is odd that every planet but earth has magic, has only advanced to the level of Knights and Monarchies, contains monsters, and uses video game mechanics, but that’s how it works!”
“Well, it’s not like I’d want to live in a technologically advanced world where disease is cured, entertainment has transcended the limitations of modern technology, and life is impossibly convenient. I know as an avid gamer with poor physical fitness I’d rather live in a world without movies, games, indoor plumbing, or air conditioning.”
“Fine… I think that’s all I want to know. So, thank you so much for everything, goddess-sama.”
“Hey, why are you suddenly being so nice after you were so demanding earlier?”
“Don’t you know all isekai protagonists eventually become generic nice guys after a few chapters?”
“That’s true… I guess.” The goddess pouts for a second but then shakes her head. “Fine, I’ll send you somewhere in the wilderness nearby an exciting event that can propel your story forward a couple more chapters. Don’t screw up the world too much.”
“I make no promises.”
There is a flash of light and now I’m in some kind of forested area. I get up, pat off my cloths, and then run off into the forest, happening to head in the ideal direction to reach a road. As soon as I reach the road, I hear a commotion. That must be the event the goddess was talking about. There is a carriage and it appears to be under attack from a bunch of thieves.
I ran over to the carriage and check out the situation. It seemed like all the knights were dead, and the sixteen-year-old girl who appeared to be some kind of noble was in trouble. The thieves were all around her laughing with cruel looks as they tore off pieces of her dress, exposing her E sized breasts. She had <color roulette …. Blue> blue hair and <color roulette … pink, pink? Sure why the hell not> pink eyes.
“We’re going to rape you, princess!” One of the bandit clearly displayed his irredeemably evil behavior.
“Why? Aren’t I worth a lot more to you unharmed? I’m the princess of a freaking nation. If I’m returned that damaged, the King is going to stop at nothing to murder the hell out of you bandits. He’s got armies at his command! Don’t you have any sense of self-preservation?”
“Haha! What’s that?”
“It looks like the opposite of this.” I interrupt their conversation by single offhandedly ripping the throats out of two nearby bandits.
“Holy crap, he just killed two of us with his bare hands!” A thief declared.
“He got them by surprise, you five, go kill him!”
Five bandits attacked me and using my enhanced stats I easily killed each of them bare handed.
“Holy crap, he just killed five us without even batting an eye!” Another thief declares.
“That’s a fluke, the rest of you charge him at once!” The head guy declared.
“Boss, and I’m just throwing this out here, maybe this is a trap?”
“No, he’s easily beatable and I’m will to bet all of your lives on it. Even though we’re thieves, not soldiers, we will put our lives on the line for no freaking reason. Now run at him with your sword drawn and absolutely no plan or technique!”
Six more thieves charge and I murder them all.
“You know, I’ll let you go if you just leave.” I laughed.
The bandit leader charged thinking this time the results were going to be different. I ripped out his spine, pulled off his head, and then punted his head off into the distance.
“That’s a lack of self-preservation…” I explained to no one in particular.
Afterwards, I walked up to the princess who was stunned and making no attempt to cover up her boobies, which I could see. Heh, boobies…
“You just murdered twelve people! Are you perhaps some trained knight who does this often?”
“Huh?” I asked. “No, what? These are the first guys I’ve ever killed.”
“Uh… do you need a second?”
“No, I’m good.”
“You just murdered twelve people and you feel what… nothing? You know that’s psychopathic behavior, right?”
“You know, you were nearly just raped, shouldn’t you have endured some kind trauma from-“
“Ba-ba, let’s not talk about that ever again,” the princess shook her head and changed the conversation. “Forget I said anything. You’ve save my life, and as a result I, and my country, owe you.”
“Also, I’m in love with you now.”
“Well, that was a given.”
“But I’m not going to tell you that. So, I’m just going to blush and fidget for the next twenty minutes.”
“Well, technically you already told me that, but I see that you’re now blushing and fidgeting, so I’ll just play dumb.”
The princess blushed and fidgeted and I cocked my head to the side with a question mark floating mysteriously over it. Our actions were eventually interrupted by a group of knights.
“We had gotten wind that bandits might attack your escort, my princess, so we came as quickly as possible. We are relieved to see you are alright. We will escort you back to the castle.”
“Oh thank god,” I gave a breath of relief. “I was afraid I’d have to escort you back to the castle, progressing some kind of linear plotline and actually following through the story in a logical kind of way.”
“No, we can’t be having that.” The princess laughed. “Why, it may have even given us time to chat and I could have potentially formed the semblance of a personality!”
“No, no, can’t be having that now. I’m going to head to the nearest town now that I don’t have to worry about you anymore. Enjoy your trip to the castle. Even though bandits easily murdered all your previous knights I’m sure these Knights will keep you safe the rest of the journey!”
“Thanks! I’m sure we’ll meet again!” The princess replied, blushing.
You then walked to the town, which is totally normal and easy to do with your enhanced stats and not at all tedious or boring.
“Do you have any identification?” The guard asked.
“Ah, no… but can you let me in anyway?”
“Yeah, sure, but get some identification, not that it does any good when I just let you in anyway. You could be a terrorist or something, but who cares because it’s convenient.”
“Well, this entire conversation was pointless.”
“Wasn’t it though! Enjoy your stay!”
I also got the name of a good inn and the location of the Adventurer’s guild. Because of course I’m going to join the Adventurer’s guild if the world has one. That’s like, not even an option. Even if the story had nothing to do with me doing missions, I would still join the Adventurer’s guild.
As I look for the Adventurer’s guild, I come across a loli neko (cat) girl being beat up by a brutish noble. See, I told you pedo-freaks I was gonna give you your loli.
“I’m an asshole who beats up little girls in public, and everyone here is okay with it. Isn’t this world grand!” The noble declares. “Now, how dare you show clumsiness even though you’re like 12. You are just a slave whom I spent an enormous amount of money on, so naturally I’m going to treat you like complete garbage and beat you. I also wipe my butt with silk and chuck gold bricks at homeless people. Muhahahaha! I’m really bad at being rich…”
I go over and beat the guy up.
“Thank you so much for saving me!” The slave girl looks up at me with tears in her eyes. “Are you someone opposed to slavery?”
“Not really, Slavery is cool with me.”
“I don’t mind people being forced into servitude caused by an oppressive and unfair regime likely influenced by racial prejudice. Even though I have the power to put a stop to it, I’m gonna just allow this without feeling any emotional weight. I mean, nobles are raping 12 year old girls and subjugating entire races, but who am I to judge. What doesn’t affect me doesn’t matter. Aren’t I a likable and relatable protagonist?”
“Well, they’re still reading this so…”
“Exactly, who am I to judge except someone from a more advanced world where 7 billion plus people unanimously decided that slavery is reprehensible. This weighs on my mind not at all, nor should it.”
“Then… why did you save me?”
“I needed to add a loli to my harem and a cat girl as well… you know, as long as you’re the hot kind.”
“You know, you can have cat ears and cat tail, but I don’t want to be dealing with a Khajiit, you know what I mean? Once your face goes fury, that just kills all of it. Get it?”
“Not really, but what was your talk about joining your harem.”
“Well, you’re joining me and also you’re in love with me now, I assume.”
“Do I have a choice in the matter?”
“Well, you’re still a slave, aren’t you?”
“Right, well then I’ll just start blushing and fidgeting now. Can you please pat me on the head?”
“I’d do it even if you didn’t want it.” I laughed and patted her head as she blushed blushingly on her blushed cheeks which were blushed in color. “Now let’s go to the Adventurer’s guild.”
As we approached the Adventurer’s guild, the loli catgirl’s stomach growled so we stopped at a stall and I bought her some meat skewers with gold coins.
Oh, by the way, this is the part where I go into explaining the monetary system of this world and how it converts to yen, whether you care or not. You need to be told that there are copper, silver, and gold coins and each denomination is 10X more than the previous denomination. Although, if this world was pretending to be creative, I might change the names to knuts, or krems, or some kind of made up name for currency.
“That’ll be 15 Gil please!” the lady hands over the meat skewers and your hand touches hers and she blushes. “You just bought something from me! I love you now!”
I give her a nod of acceptance. This could only be expected. After eating our food, we head into the Adventurer’s guild. I hold the door open for a lady adventurer who falls in love with me because I held the door open for her.
“Hi, receptionist, I’d like to join the guild.”
“Alright, that will be 50 credits.”
“Here you go!”
“Alright, so, you can go over to the board over there in order to pick up a quest…”
“Ugh… I know how to join an Adventurer’s guild. Do we really need to…”
“The quests range in rank from S all the way to F. You will start at the rank of F…”
“Yes, yes… and I’ll gain ranks as I complete quests and I can only take quests up to my rank. This is the same bullshit in EVERY isekai novel, can we move on now.”
“…” The receptionist looked at me for a few seconds. “And you will need this guild card that –”
“Aaahh!” I banged my head on the table repeatedly as she spent the next fifteen minutes explaining how the guild system worked.
“Do you have any questions?”
“Questions! You want to know if I have questions? I never had less questions in my entire life. My world is a black hole, collapsed by the weight of your blabbering constant stream of answers to questions I already knew! A retarded monkey would know by now. Jesus lady…”
“…” The lady stared at me for a second with a flat expression and then blushed. “I’m in love with you now.”
“Finally, something we can both agree on!” I cried. “Anyway, let’s go loli catgirl.”
“I have a name.”
I laughed. “You say that like the readers will remember it.”
I left the pouting catgirl behind and checked out the mission boards. I looked under rank F, which was unfortunate given how powerful I am, but what the heck, I’ll do one anyway. Well, the S ranked quests included things like “Defeat the Demon King!”, so I won’t be taking that quest on until the end of the story when the stakes are highest. First I need to get us all emotionally invested.
“Collect some grass that heals or some shit.” I read the description of the F ranked quest, “Well, it’s a start.”
I handed in the sheet of paper and she stamped my guild card and then we headed out of town. Apparently, even though the herb I’m gathering was within an hour walking distance of the city, someone thought it was a tough enough job to require making it an Adventuring quest.
“Well, that’s twenty bags of herb.” I patted off my pants.
“I think the quest said just twenty herbs.”
When we got back to the Adventurer’s guild while it was somehow still light out, I handed in the bags of herbs.
“Oh, wow, that’s so many herbs. How did you gather so many?”
“Um… I tried?”
“Well, this will earn you 10,000 bottlecaps!”
“That’s like $10,000. Who would have thought a job that could be done in a single afternoon for an F class Adventurer could net me enough money to live comfortably for months.”
“Nobody… because that would be freaking retarded.” The loli catgirl responded.
“Ah, well, either way I’m rich now. Exactly, how did you become a slave again?”
“Apparently, considering how gamed the system is, my parents were just generically bad at life.”
“Too bad. Let’s go buy a mansion.”
“You can’t buy a mansion with $10,000.”
“Maybe not a normal mansion, but I can buy a haaaaunted mansion!”
We went up to the city property manager, and he showed us a giant super awesome mansion formerly owned by a noble. However, the noble mysteriously disappeared and everyone who bought it since died a mysterious and horrible death, so it was cheap in cost.
I paid the amount and went into the mansion and beat up all the ghosts. Does it really matter how? Point was, I have an awesome mansion and I didn’t work very hard for it. As goddess intended.
A certain goddess sneezes.
“Alright, that was fun. Now, I’m going to go out and buy a slave.”
“You already own a slave.” The slave responded.
“I’m going to go out and buy a GOOD slave.”
As the loli catgirl teared up, I went out to the slave auction house. They line up a bunch of girls, and despite being slaves they’re all super hot and skimpy and full of skills. Each one had a simple, easily fixable default so noone wanted them and they were all super cheap so I got to pick the one I wanted. Plus, I could see their boobies through their outfits and it’s awesome. No problem exploiting enslaved women here. Am I still a likable protagonist?
“I’ll pick that slave.” She had <roulette roll… orange!> orange hair and <roulette roll… green> green eyes and also big boobies. She also had dog ears and a dog tail.
As soon as I finished the purchase, I started to touch the slaves ears and tail. It’s cool, she’s a slave. It’s not like she’s a person with feelings or something. We head back to the mansion.
“I’m so glad master isn’t the kind of master who will beat and starve me! You’ll just rape me and sexual harass me none stop!”
“Yes, I’m the only man in this world who isn’t just the most awful person ever. I’m only slightly awful. Just a little awful, so comparatively I’m a saint!”
“I love you, master!”
“Of course, is it because of the not beating you? It’s the not beating you, isn’t it?”
“That’s part of it! Plus, I have no trauma from being a slave, so now I’m just going to act like just a normal girl in your harem. Why don’t you sleep with me tonight?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Well, I love you and I’m your slave! So let’s have sex?”
“I don’t follow you.”
The new slave girl’s ears dropped down as she wore a frown. “I would like… to engage in intercourse, with master.”
“Um… I would like to get naked…”
“And I’d like you to get naked…”
“And then we… you know… have sex.”
“Now you lost me.”
“Wo-would master by chance be a virgin?”
“What? Pfft… what are you talking about? I’ve been with… like… so many… boobies…”
“Okay… let’s try it this way. You see my boobs?”
“Oh yes.” I responded excitedly. “I like boobies!”
“Now, I have something between my legs…”
“You know… if you keep talking like that, I’m going to think you like me or something.”
“I’ve already confessed I love you!” she snapped.
“Forget it, you’re dealing with an isekai protagonist in a pg-13 web novel, your relationship is never going to go past cute lovey scenes.” The catgirl sighs.
“Well, I don’t know what either of you girls are on about, but why don’t you go take a bath in the outdoor hotsprings that this mansion for some reason has.” My eyes gleam a bit, “Don’t worry, I won’t peek!”
“You know, we could be doing the naked tango right now!”
“Just leave it, let’s go bath.”
As the two girl’s finally depart, I jump onto my bed and give a sigh. This was a very eventful first day. I would build a harem in this world, become rich, and be loved and respected by everyone. After that? Who knows? I supposed I’d do whatever those things are you’re supposed to do with harems. Put her in various outfits? I think you’re supposed to bath with them and they like cook for you and feed you. Those are the things you do with a woman, right? And live together, I guess? Can’t think of anything else at the moment.
If I knew at that time what I’ll know in the next chapter, I wouldn’t be so comfortable, because something big was going to happen. I mean, I’m so OP I’ll easily solve it, but it will stretch this wish-fulfillment story out a few more pages so, you know, look forward to it.