Table of Contents | Every Twilight Ripoff Ever Written

“It was 2152, and human beings were only just starting to build a colony on Mars when we discovered it, the artifact. The artifact was enough to advance human technology by a thousand years, giving us the first faster than light travel. And by human technology… I really just mean the faster than light travel. Medicine, biology, ecology, resource collection, renewable energy… that all still sucks balls.”

“Teacher… why did the ancient alien civilization who suddenly mysteriously died out 20,000 years ago leave a random artifact on Mars, but not Earth? And why did that artifact conveniently contain just enough information to help us build Faster than Light FTL, but nothing else?”

“Oh… science… reasons…”

“Plot convenience?”

“Of course, that too. You see, once we built FTL drives, we began to explore the galaxy. We still hope we can find another artifact from the ancients that we think will jump our technology forward another thousand years for some reason, because that’s how reverse engineering works. But it’ll probably be a weapon, because us space-faring civilizations only really care about weapons in the future, and that’s really the only technology that counts.”

“Well, of course,” another student interrupts, “We’re weary since the first contact war.”

“Teacher, that one always confused me too. Why did human beings evolve to the point that we put behind our petty differences, stopped all war, and united as a single species… but then fought the very first species we ran into?”

“You wonder that?” Another student broke in, “I wonder why the human race spontaneously all decided to have the same culture, speak English, and look white.”

“Class… class… calm down. Of course, we all know about the first contact war against the oddly human looking blue aliens. They had practically wiped out the human race only 20 years ago, yet for some reason humans have completely recovered from an almost apocalyptic war on a galactic scale in only one generation. It was a good thing they mysteriously decided to stop fighting us and make peace. Of course, now we’ve found hundreds of alien species out there and made peace with all of them. They each have their own unique and fascinating homologous cultures, like the aliens that are all honorable warriors, the aliens that like money above everything, and of course the racist stereotype aliens.”

“But what were the aliens like in the past?” One student asked.

“Of course, the Ancients were one of only two space-faring alien species that existed back in the past. However, very little is known about the other alien species. Some think they disappeared at the same time as the Ancients. Others think they may have caused the Ancients demise before fleeing to distant space. The only thing known about these mysterious aliens is their name, Evil Murder Kill Stabby Monsters.”

“It sounds like with that name they wiped out the Ancients and will one day return and wipe out all sentient life again.”

“Who could say? One thing is for certain, the Ancients all looked like humans, but the Evil Murder Kill Stabby Monsters looked inhuman, which makes them bad, and the Ancients good. Keep this in mind for the future, it’ll be important. Ancients Good, Evil Murder Monsters Bad.”

“I’m more interested in why modern aliens all have our similar values and appearance?” Another student spoke up.

“Yes, of course. While the blue aliens for some reason have repressed emotions and long lives, seeing humans as excitable… we did find out that we totally can mate with them, and despite evolving on completely different planets that make it mind-bogglingly incredible that we even developed the genitalia that fit together, we’re capable of breeding and creating half-human, half-blue aliens. In fact, we have a half-breed in this very class.”

A shy girl who blue tinted skin and a wrinkled forehead but otherwise totally hot and human appearing lowered her eyes and turned her head in embarrassment. She was very cute with just enough alienness that it was hot and not like gross. Plus… tits!

“Anyway, I thought I’d send you guys off with some exposition before you go on your way. Congratulations, this is the final class. You’re all now officers of the Earth Alliance Force. From now on, you’ll be assigned to ships. Enjoy a life of adventure exploring the galaxy, which sounds really cool when I say it like that, but is actually tedious, boring, and monotonous. I mean, seriously, at best, it’s like being on a submarine. Google that stuff. It’s not pleasant.”

Everyone in the class hooted and applauded as he dismissed them. Joe Starscape stood up, ready to leave the room.

“Joe, stay behind for a bit, I’ve got some more exposition and characterization for you.”

“That’s good, we’ve already gone a page and we haven’t established me as the manly protagonist who doesn’t follow the rules.”

“Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, I heard that in your training sessions, you don’t play well in a team, frequently break the rules, and overall are horrible… at least compared to what we’d need as an officer in an army-like fleet.”

“True, but I get shit done!”

“I have incredibly high expectations for you, especially in the footsteps of your war hero father who died in the first contact war. Could you by chance listen to the rules and be a little more civil?”

“No, screw that.”

“Ok… well how about I make you the captain of your very own ship!”

“I deserve this.”

Later, Joe left the teacher and began walking towards his new ship. Despite being a fresh-faced cadet, he was now captain of one of the Alliance’s newest and bestest ships.

“Oh, my god, is that you Jenna? We used to have a relationship two years ago, but now we don’t.” Joe was in shock when he saw her in front of his ship.

“Being a half blue alien, half human… I’ve lived my life faced with criticism and prejudice from both species. Even though I have a deep hatred for you that’s actually deep-rooted and repressed love, I took this opportunity to be your science officer for this ship.”

“Does that mean you’ll be doing any science?”

“Hell know, mostly I’m here to flash my boobs and add sexual tension to every conversation we have while making life-or-death decisions.”

“I wouldn’t run my ship any other way. Can you introduce me to the rest of the crew?”

“Of course. You have the one doctor who is responsible for surgery, family practice, dentistry, OB/GYN, biochemistry, physics, molecular biology, cellular biology, nursing, and he’ll head off on away missions too, because why the hell not? His name is Martue.”


“Then there is the “security guy”. He’s the baddest ass on your crew, and the first to get punched out every time an issue arises. His name is Brick.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

“Then we also have fifty other random crew members who names you don’t need to know.”

“Are they all wearing red?”

“You know it!”

“Fantastic. Let’s get this ship on the road!”

Martue, Brick, Jenna, and Joe all board the ship with fifty other nameless crew members.

“What’s the first mission, Captain?”

“We’re to meet up with a bunch of other ships in the Murder Death Nebula.”

“Nothing ominous about that!”

“Uh, sir, all the other ships will have to go without us, there is some space debris in our way and we’ll have to wait for it clear before we can leave.” The Navigator spoke up.

“Um, we are on a space station orbiting a moon right now, right?”

“Of course.”

“So why don’t we go down instead of forward?”

“You’ve lost me, sir.”

“Well, I mean, our ship can go every direction, can we just go down, I mean, that junk is in front of us, but our ship doesn’t have to go forward.”

“Sir… you’re a genius!” the navigator explained.

“That was amazing captain,” Jenna interrupted. “I’d be impressed if I wasn’t pretending to hate you right now.”

“You may hate me right now, but let’s go have sex.”

“I see nothing wrong with having sex with my superior.”

While Jenna and Joe improve their interspecies relations, the rest of the crew pull the ship out and give it its first run down.

“Captain, we’re ready to take her into FTL and join the rest of the fleet.”

Joe zips up his pants, “Sounds good, bring her out. Err… the ship that is, my first mate can take a fiver.”

“Yes, captain!”

The ship jumps into FTL speed, which only causes a slight jolt.

“It always boggles my mind that we have inertial dampeners that can protect us from moving from practically nothing to over 300 million meters a second and yet they can’t stop us from feeling about a 15 mile per hour jolt of movement.” Jenna finally comes out, having fixed her clothing but leaving her uniform with two less buttons snapped, showing just a bit of cleavage.

“How long until we reach the nebula?” Captain Joe ignored her and demanded.

“Well if you believe Einstein’s theory of relativity, since we’re going faster than the speed of light, I’d say ten minutes ago.”

“Damn it, I’m a captain, not a physics major. We don’t need to learn how astrophysics works to pilot a spaceship! Just tell me the ETA.”

“Well, in reality, it’d be days, maybe even weeks, but since this is a science fiction story, twenty seconds.”

“Finally, I couldn’t wait any longer.”

The ship leaves the FTL travel and is immediately assaulted by small fragments ramming into the ship.

“Sir, we’ve entered an asteroid field!”

“An asteroid field? The density of a real asteroid field is so low you wouldn’t hit an asteroid even if you aimed for it!”

“But this is a science fiction asteroid field!”

“Oh, my god, we’re doomed! Evasive maneuvers!”

The ship weaves in and out of debris, ignoring the concepts of newtonian physics as it both experiences friction, and force feedback. The bridge rocks back and forth as people struggle to keep their feet, the inertial dampeners apparently not doing crap now.

“Sir… it’s even worse!”

“What could be worse?”

“Look in front of us! Even though we’re lightyears from any star, and space is vast, you can clearly see the light up remains of the entire Alliance fleet, packed within the space immediately outside our window!”

“Dear god… they’re all destroyed. Everyone…”

“It appears so. Want to… I don’t know, actually look for survivors, captain?” Brick asked.

“No… no… that would take too much time.”

“Sir, the ship responsible is still here!”

“The murderer is still in the house, huh?” Joe laughed.


“They’re sending in a message!” the communicator spoke up.


“Fire all missiles, lasers, and torpedoes immediately!”

The two ships just sit there, firing crap at each other. There are massive explosions and the ship continues to rock and shiver, still not getting the point of an inertial dampener.

“Status report!” Joe shouts.

All the lights are dark now, setting a desperate mood. Sparks are flashing from every console, making them very unsafe to work at. Everyone’s hair and uniform are in disarray, like they just ran a marathon in the mud despite the fact they only fell to a relatively clean floor once or twice.

“Sir! We’ve lost all of the levels we don’t give a crap about. Thirty unnamed members of the crew are dead! We’ve lost shields, life support is down yet we are still fine apparently, and the red lights are flashing like crazy!”

“Alright! We must use the Dues Ex Machina laser!”

“Not the Deus Ex Machina laser! That’s never been used and will probably blow up the ship.” Jenna spoke up.

“It won’t this time, I mean, our ship is having massive power problems, half the crew is dead, and large chunks of our ship is destroyed… but I’m sure that’s the best time to use an experimental weapon!”

“Yes, sir! Firing!” Brick spoke up.

A laser shot out and the ship in front of them finally blew up.

“Captain… your reckless actions and complete lack of any strategy or skill saved us all!” Jenna exclaimed.

“Your damn right it did!” Joe nodded to himself.

“But sir… I fear… this is only the beginning. I scanned the vessel before it blew up. I’m sure of it now. They’re the Evil Murder Monster aliens who wiped out the Ancients.”

“To think… a ship capable of wiping out our entire fleet developed by the aliens who destroyed the ancients was taken down by my one ship.”

“Surely, it was beauty that killed the beast.”

“Probably not really a relevant quote to this situation, but I’ll take it. How about some celebratory sex, first mate?”

“Yes, sir!”

“In fact, sex for the entire crew!”

Cheers rose up, and it was a good ten to fifteen more minutes before the ships engines turned back on and it blasted off into the recesses of space. Suffice it to say, one or two things were kept out of the captain’s logs. What happens in space, stays in space.

Table of Contents | Every Twilight Ripoff Ever Written