Every Twilight Ripoff Ever Written

Edwin Twullen was furious. Mad even. But possibly also mildly aroused? He stormed around his massive mansion full of antiquities. He didn’t care about money. He always had money. He was bleeding money. Well, no, that is not accurate. He didn’t bleed at all. Which is exactly why he drank the blood of the living. That didn’t matter though. Not right now, not to Edwin Twullen.

For Edwin Twullen, what really mattered was the girl. The girl in his thoughts. The girl whose thoughts he could not read. He always could read their thoughts. Women were transparent. So were men. But why would he read men’s thoughts. That’s just something Edwin Twullen wouldn’t do. Why? Because he was Edwin Twullen.

Edwin pulled out some hair gel, streaking it through his hair in a single swift motion. She was in serious jeopardy of getting a bad hair day if she continued to remain in his thoughts. He should go over there and kill her right now. It would be easier. So easy. He had killed before. He killed frequently. Although, he didn’t kill now. He had decided not to. He was Edwin Twullen.

The woman’s name was Amara. It meant beautiful forever. He knew that cause he googled it as soon as he got home. What an ironically stupid name. Not like Edwin, which stood for a horse that won. He wasn’t a hundred percent sure that was what the name stood for. He would need to google that too. Not right now though, he was busy brooding.

“You really should just eat the woman and stop thinking about it,” Corral declared as he walked in from the outside.

He had no shirt on and his skin glistened with wetness as if having just gotten out of the pool. Edwin was pretty sure they did not own a pool.

“What were you doing out there?” Edwin brooded, broodingly.

“Oh, I was just busy sparkling my good friend.” Corral winked at him.

Corral was beautiful. Not like that Amura, who was plain and human despite her name. All vampires were sexy beasts. The vampirification process made them super strong, super sexy, and super awesome in just about every way. Also, they sparkled. They god damned sparkled. Corral was a surgeon. He was a sexy half naked ultra rich forever young surgeon. Of course, he wasn’t half naked when he performed his surgery. At least, Edwin didn’t think so. Although, Corral could be half naked and still do a surgery, he was that good.

However, Edwin didn’t want to think about Corral right now. Corral always gave him a creepy pedo vibe after he bit him when he was only seventeen. Corral said he had saved Edwin’s life, who was dying from influenza or something. Edwin thought he remembered things differently. He was pretty sure he came into the hospital because he had a splinter.

Still didn’t matter. All that matter was the creepy little girl and her creepy little mutant power. He couldn’t read her mind. Not all vampires could read minds. Just him. He was special. He was Edwin Twullen.

That didn’t mean other Vampires didn’t get other super powers. There family had six people, one of them had the mutant power of being really strong, another didn’t eat people, another saw the future, and still another had the mutant power of being a total bitch. He didn’t know if that was a mutant power, but damn, could she be even bitchier. Worst part was she was bitten to be his companion. Ick.

Corral didn’t even tell him. It was like, here’s a skank, enjoy! Oh yeah, and she’ll be here for all eternity with you! Thanks Corral… douche.

Edwin had enough. It was time to approach the stupid human girl food and be done with it. School had already started about three hours ago. He was going to be late. Didn’t real matter though. He was Edwin Twullen.

He drove to the school in the nicest Ferrari money could buy. You think being alive for a hundred years would afford him some modesty? Hell no. And screw that, he was going to speed. A cop blared the sirens as he sped past. Lame.

He pulled over and the cop car joined him. Two police came out of the car and walked up to him. 

“Do you know how fast you were going,” said the female police officer who arrived at his window first.

He looked her deep in the eyes, “I’m Edward Twullen.”

She involuntarily splooged in her pants. Gross.

The other cop, a man, finally reached the car, “What is this about.”

He looked him in the eyes and growled, “I AM Edward Twullen.”

Edward was glad that the man waved him on so he wouldn’t have to witness the inevitable mangasm that would follow. He sped away. Finally, he finally made it to school. It took forever. Two minutes.

Rosey, Elmer, Casper, and Lucy were all there waiting for him. Did they just sit there waiting for him the last three hours? Did they have nothing better to do?

“I know what you’re going to do,” Lucy whined, “And don’t do it, don’t jeopardize everything we have built.

“Shuttup,” he snapped.

“Is that how you treat all of the girls,” she quipped back.

He backhanded her, but softly and romantic like.

“Hey man,” Casper protested, “I used to be a fighter and crap, don’t hit on my girl unless you want to go through me.”

“I can read your mind,” Edwin sighed.

“Yeah…”

“So what,” Edwin mimicked,” Hey stop doing that. Stop saying what I’m going to say before I say it. That’s really annoying, oh will you please stop. That’s really mature. Stop hitting me in the face.”

“I didn’t think that last part.” Casper interrupted.

Smack. Casper was on the ground.

“The point is,” Lucy said, recovering from the slap just a little more attracted to Edwin than she was before, “I can read mines, and I know exactly what you are going to do.”

“Can you see what’s about to happen next?” Edwin asked.

“Eww… gross,” Lucy cringed as she peered into his future.

“I had some bad Mexican earlier. It’s not going to be pretty. I hope you have smellovision on that futurecom of yours.”

Lucy gagged, dropping to the floor, “Oh god, it burns.”

“Where I’m about to go, there will be no gods…. Only Edwin Tullen.”