Every Werewolf Story Ever Written

If you asked whether I was a cat person or not, my answer would be ‘Woof’. That’s right, I’m a werewolf! And my tribe has existed in this forested land since time began, or before I was born, whichever came first. Our tribe is vaguely Native American even though we’re all most definitely white, but cultural appropriation never stopped us before, so I was sitting next to giant fire and, ah, why the heck not, a teepee while wearing war paint as tribe members danced around in half were-wolf forms. I won’t explain what that looks like or how that works.

The full moon is out, which is when something vague about being stronger, more sexually fertile, more savage, or simply just a reason to be a bitch affects all of us werewolves. Meanwhile, my father, who happens to be the chief, is explaining the history of our people. Because that’s what our tribes do at these meetings, just explain the history of our people over and over again every month.

This lead to most of the clan ignoring him, running around and playing or dancing half naked in a pseudo-sexy, but totally not weird for family members to do in front of each other way. However, I paid very close attention to what he said, otherwise you guys wouldn’t know the history of my clan which was absolutely unique and not at all like any other story ever.

“In the beginning, we were a tribe that worshiped the wolf. You know that was the right decision because you never hear about no Egyptian werecats, do yah! That’s right, wolves are where it’s at!” My father, the chief, began. “So basically, our tribe came from Eastern Europe, where we had a close relationship with wolves.”

“Wait, doesn’t that make us closer to Ukrainian or Russian than Native American?”

“Carl, is that you who said that Carl?” the Chief, who was my father, and also the Chief, squinted across the fire, “Do you want to tell the story, now, you bigshot wolf?”

“No…”

“Are you sure, because I can just step down and you can tell the story?”

“Sorry…I’m good.”

“Good then… So where was I? Right, we were Eastern European Native Americans-“

“God damn it…”

My father, who was also the Chief, ignored him. “We worshiped the wolves until one day our tribe was in danger. It was threat from the white man.”

“We’re white!”

“So, our great, great, great grandfather… which if you do the math means we’re all related by at a minimum of 1/32, so let that that sink in as we keep all our family relations within the tribe. Anyway, the great elder of our tribe made an agreement with the wolf spirit and their bodies merged. He grew a fabtabulous set of six pack abs and a perfect tan beach body, and in exchange the spirit probably got something too, who the hell cares. With that, he was able to push the Vikings back out of our land and protect it, until we abandoned it a hundred years ago to move to freaking Illinois.”

“Vikings? I thought you said they were the white man?”

“Vikings are white men, shuttup, it’s my story!”

“Fine, whatever…”

“Anyway, for reasons I don’t plan to explain, I’d like to move the plot along by announcing that my daughter will be marrying the future chief of our tribe, Alpha Wolf.”

“What!” I cried out. “You’re marrying me off? Even though I’m 17 now and had to have known about the customs of our tribe for at least some time now, I’m going to be very upset about this!”

“I have picked this man out because I think he’s the best suited for you!”

“How dare you? I’m really hurt! What makes you think I’d be interested in a hot, tanned, muscular man who will be the leader of our tribe, with power, and influence, and extremely attractive good looks? Exactly what about being a werewolf would make you think I’d have the pack mentality of a wolf? I go my own way!”

“Well, he’s imprinted on you, you see, so that means he’ll be an asshole to you for the next 300 pages, because werewolves in love are basically just assholes.”

Alpha Wolf walked up to me. “I LOVE YOU!”

He punches me in the gut and I keel over onto the ground. Then he kicks me three times before walking off.

“See? It’s love!”

“Was this how it was with mom?” I demanded, still coughing up blood.

“Oh, not at all. You see, I killed your mom when I suddenly turned into a werewolf during sex and ripped her in half. I mean, heightened emotional stats do bring the werewolf out in us, so it was bound to happen.”

“This culture seems oddly disadvantageous to women.” I frowned.

“Just marry the first guy who shows interest in you, it’ll be fine.”

“I’ll run away!” I declared.

“This is a tribe! No one can leave! If you do, you’ll be hunted down and killed!”

“That sounds more like a cult!”

“Don’t be silly, now, werewolves are also psychically linked as one more of our vaguely defined powers, so join the hive mind!”

“I don’t want to!” I snapped back, turning and running off into the deep forests of the Illinois landscape.

I collapsed in the forest a few miles away, landing on my knees and sobbing dramatically. Although we’re supposed to be part wolf and thus father should be able to track me by scent easily, he’ll “search” for me for at least a few hours and suddenly walk up complaining about how much effort it took.

There was a crack, and I glanced up as a really hot boy who was way nicer and way gentler, but also less muscular and smaller than Alpha Wolf.

“Oh, it’s you, Beta Wolf. What are you doing randomly several miles out in the middle of a dark forest at night?”

“I was worried so I followed you.”

“Not creepy at all.”

“Exactly… you see, I know your scent so I can always find you, unlike your father or anyone else, who also will inexplicably not notice my scent here after I leave just before your dad shows up.”

“But what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to let you know now that you’re officially engaged that I love you and I have always loved you. I felt like when it was absolutely least convenient was the best time to reveal this fact.”

“Oh my! And even though I was angry at my father for trying to push me on any man and not let me choose, I’m going to throw all of my affection at you, the second man who’s showing any interest in me, mostly because it will piss off my dad, but also because I truly, deeply, also loved you and never admitted it.”

“Oh, good, I’m glad we both loved each other before the story started, that way the author won’t have to write anything about us actually forming those emotions.” He laughed.

“I know, right? Now we can assume the relationship formed gradually over time in a realistic manner, as opposed to the inexplicable and inconsistently overnight romance that would have popped up if the author tried to write that crap.”

We make out for two minutes; however, I eventually pull away from him.

“I can’t do this…” I finally said. “I’m engaged to the alpha… who beats and abuses me. If he smells you on me, he’ll hurt me even more, and my father won’t even care because he’s an asshole.”

“I’ll become stronger!” Beta insisted. “I’ll be as strong as Alpha, and I’ll defeat Alpha Wolf, somehow when it’s plot convenient. Probably with the power of love or some bullcrap.”

“You could never turn on Alpha Wolf.”

“Why is that?” Beta Wolf demanded.

“Well, you know why. Because of that thing we didn’t talk about so the audience doesn’t know it yet, but we kept it from them just so we had a better way to end this chapter.”

“And what is that?” Beta Wolf looked confused.

“That you are… and always have been, Alpha Wolf’s younger brother!”

*Gasp* “Plot twist!”