Every Xian Xia Ever Written
My name is Jang Yang. I have spent my life being made fun of and mocked because my profound veins were weak and womanly, and there is nothing worse than women, am I right, guys? Now, I’m going to spend the next 3000 chapters chasing after anyone with a vagina. Nothing ironic about that… Anyway, in the past, all of my attempts at forming a harem of girls failed because of those veins and how weak they are, but all that changed three years ago.
“Would you like ultimate power?” a crystal I randomly found in the stream asked me when I was twelve.
“Hell yeah, I would!”
And like that, I was given a second set of veins. Bigger veins. Manly veins. However, because I didn’t grow up with those mighty powered veins, they were empty. That’s why it’s been three years since then. I’ve been training in secret, filling my veins up for the day of trials. That day was going to be today, so I needed to get going.
I started preparing to leave my hovel of a home. I was part of the Wu sect. They were the main sect in control of these parts, but because of my weak veins and my dad’s illness, the other Wu members walked all over my family. When my dad married my mom, he was a promising rising star, but an accident during training had damaged his veins, which he still blames for the reason I was born with such weak veins of my own.
Of course, now my beautiful jade-like mother was much higher than his station and many men looked on with jealousy over my weak, pathetic father having a woman as beautiful as she. As a result, she was frequently harassed when she went into town and took to having to wear baggy clothing and no makeup to hide her beauty as much as possible. If someone of the Wu family went too far, we’d be powerless to stop it.
Of course, while the Wu family were the heads of this city, this was actually a very small city, in a small region, in a very small country, in a very small continent, on a small world, in a small cluster of worlds, in a small multiverse. That’s right, multiverse. You’ll see that introduced again in chapter 8000 when I run out of other ways to drag this story out.
Suffice it to say, I was the bottom of the bottom, looked down upon by everyone. However, that was going to change starting today. As I was contemplating this, someone came up from behind me and put their hands over my eyes.
I smiled and turned to my beautiful sister. She had jade-like skin just like her mother, and green eyes, and long black tidy hair. Her body was frail and womanly and fragile and weak. Like, if you hit her body with a stick, her body would break. Not even like a thick stick. A twig even. You could beat my sister up with a twig. So hot.
“Hello, my beautiful sister.”
My beautiful sister’s jade-like skin flashed in a blush as she turned away. “No, big brother, please don’t look at me that way.”
I grab her hands and kiss her on the nose, “What way? My sexy, beautiful, hot, piece of ass but totally just platonic sister.”
“You know I must marry one the Wong brothers so that I can bring our family just a bit of peace.”
“No, you’re my woman. I won’t let any man have you, especially not someone from the Wong family.”
The Wong family were the worst of the bunch, constantly taking advantage of our family. Had father not had more power at the time, my mother, who’s basically an object, would have been Wongs. As a result, Father Wong resented my father for getting his dream girl, while Mother Wong resented my mother for being the one her husband really wanted. Basically, all of them are assholes, so you can understand how awful it would be if my sister ended up with one of their children.
In reality, I was only thinking about my sister’s happiness. I certainly didn’t have any incestuous thoughts towards her or anything inappropriate like that.
“Brother, your hands are groping my chest.”
I nodded thoughtfully, “Yes, just making sure they are developing properly.”
“Brother is always so worried for me.”
“Time for the Pap smear!”
“I’ll be leaving now.”
I slapped my sister’s rump as she walked out of the room and she gave me beautiful beaming smile and blush as she left.
“One day, I’ll marry you sister!” I declared as she fled the room.
Ah, that last part was also a totally platonic interaction. As a brother, it was my responsibility to let my sister only be with the best, and I’m it, so… you know.
I leave my home after giving my father and mother the proper acknowledgment as a filial son. As I headed to the temple, there was a woman who was being harassed by two boys. They weren’t letting her pass by on her way to the temple at all. I, of course, knew the two boys. They were none other than the Wong brothers.
“Please, let me pass!” The girl responded coldly.
She was also a beautiful girl, with long black hair and jade-like skin. She was so jade-like that she might as well be a rock. So sexy. She was also a childhood friend. She was one of the few people here who treated my family well. Well, I was going to make her mine because of it. That, and she’s also really hot. Other than my mom and sister, she’s the number one beauty of our city. Every man fancies her, including the Wongs.
“Don’t stalk off so soon, woman, If I have things my way your father will agree for you to marry me!” The older brother said.
“Hey!” I barked, causing all eyes to turn to me. “Don’t you guys know that two Wongs don’t make a right?”
“Oh, look brother.” The younger one snarled. “It’s Jang Yang. Even though I’m like engaged to his sister or something, let’s be really nasty to him!”
The pair looked down at me in absolute disgust, their eyes twisted with revulsion like I was a bug who suddenly stood in front of their path and started standing up to them.
“Today is the day all of that changes. Shortly, we’ll be ranked by the Daoists, and you’ll no longer be able to hide behind your family’s relative power.”
“Absolutely, soon we’ll be higher ranked Daoists too! You’ve inherited your father’s pathetic veins, Yang, don’t expect today to do anything but cement your place as a loser forever!”
The two men gasp, completely taken aback by my sudden defiance.
“In fact! “I continued “… I think that in a few hours, you won’t even be lucky enough to lick my very feet!”
“This guy can’t even see Mount Tai in front of him…” He started.
“I’d even go so far as to say! You two, are poopy faces!” I interrupted him.
The younger brother ground his teeth in anger while the older brother spat up blood. The pair turn to look at each other and the younger brother gasps.
“Jesus! Big brother, you’re coughing up blood!”
“Yes, I do that when I get really angry.”
“Really? I mean, I’m no doctor, but are you sure it might not be something serious, like lung cancer?”
“I’m fine, I do it all the time.”
“That’s even less reassuring!”
“Look, let’s teach this Yang a lesson for daring to defile our name with his vicious tongue.”
“Rather than that, I think I need to take you to the doctor!”
“What are you doing, dammit, I said I’m fine!”
“Wait, now your bleeding from the ears. No, we’re going now, this ain’t right!”
The two brothers seemed to forget I was there as the younger brother dragged his big brother away as he seemingly bled from every orifice.
After a few moments, it was just me and the beautiful Jade girl Ying Ting. She turned to me and gave a nod.
“I’ll be going then.”
Wait, before you go!” I ran up to her beautiful jade figure and put my hand on her shoulder. “Oh, wow, you really are smooth as jade. And so ice cold, perhaps I should warm you up?”
“That’s a Jade Statue. I’m standing over here.” A girl’s voice came from my right.
I looked over at the statue. I did think it odd she was missing her arms. Ah well. Me and you will meet up later, baby. I abandon the Jade statue and walk over to the other object in the room.
“So, I just saved you from some mild annoyances. Do you love me yet?”
Ying Ting gave a snort. “I am the most beautiful woman in this village, so naturally I’m only concerned about increasing my own profound powers. I’m already more powerful than anyone else in this village, including the Wongs. The only reason I’d ever let a man touch me is if having sex somehow increased my profound powers and everyone knows that virgins have the strongest profound powers.”
“Yeah, but only if they’re women.”
Ying Ting nods, “Of course, but unless you’ve got some way of increasing my profound powers drastically through sex, this… just ain’t gonna happen.”
“Well, this story is written by a man so can we… yeah? Yeah… that sounds just super. See you in fifty chapters… naked.” I confirmed things with the narrator, and it turned out he totally could come up with a BS reason why she’d need my penis in a moment of distress.
Ying Ting rolled her eyes and walked away as I imagined her naked and all the things I’m going to do to her off-screen. I mean, you guys won’t experience it, but it’s going to be HOT. I mean, look at her, she’s so pale and thin and sickly. She just coughed and swooned! So hot. Well, live vicariously through me when the event happens. Totally HOT.
I finally made my way into the temple. All of the younger disciples were forced to line up in front of the gathered crowd on stage. An old man with white hair and white beard pulled out an orb and handed it to the temple elder. The elder started handing it to each person in line, one at a time as the pair watched closely. The color would turn into a blue, or a red, or a green, or some other color, and that meant something. It was your profound affinity. The strength the orb glowed furthermore revealed how powerful your veins were.
When the youngest Wong finally was handed the orb, it glowed in two different colors! Everyone gasped. A dualist! Who could have ever expected a dualist would show up in this smallest school at the smallest city in the smallest country, etc, etc…? The Wang family would rise in status substantially, to the point where my sister would be lucky to be his mistress. He gave me a condescending look as he finally handed the orb back to the old man who proceeded to pat him on the back with a smile. As far as his orb strength… oh, I don’t know, we’re just making up measurements here… let’s say 51 octopus. It’s a more than a lot, less than a lot-lot.
However, even though I just said all that like this was some kind of problem, I merely returned a flat and unimpressed look. With my new powered veins, I was certain would put out a show even more amazing. Ying Ting came up and grabbed the orb next. This time, it exploded in a rainbow of color.
“Holy Calamari, 95 Octopus!” The test instructor couldn’t contain his excitement as everyone broke into conversation.
I didn’t know what rainbow colors meant, but it apparently meant really powerful. Well, good for her. As expected of my future woman. She’ll be powerful… although never quite as powerful as me, of course. She’s only a woman, after all. God, I hope she loves me!
The orb continued to be passed from one hand to the next until it finally landed in my own. Ah, finally, I can show the world how powerful and awesome I am!
I reached out and grabbed the orb. At first, nothing happened. Wong’s smile seemed to be growing more and more until, without warning, the orb suddenly exploded. Glass shards flew out, striking the test giver in the face!
“Holy crap! Oh, freaking ow. I got glass in my eye! What just happened?”
“Ah, it appears the orb has spontaneously exploded.” The old man responded.
“Exploded! How does that happen?”
“Don’t know, this has never happened before. Here’s a spare.”
“Wait, you just said this has never happened before!”
“Then why are you carrying an extra orb!”
“Ah, well, aren’t you glad I am?”
The elder priest sighed, grabbing the second orb from the old man and walking back over to me. “Alright, let’s try this again.”
He drops the orb in my hands. I stare at it. Once again. Nothing. There was some chuckling occurring behind me, but I didn’t turn to see who made it. Then, the orb exploded again!
“Ah, my other eye! Gossshhhhh… darn it that smarts…”
“Oh my, well, here’s another spare.” The old man pulls out a third one.
“Nope, no, nu uh. I’m not using your stupid exploding orbs no more. At least, not on this disciple. He is given 0 Octopus and blowing up orbs as his diagnosis.”
“Wise teacher, what does this mean for me?” I ask anxiously.
It’s the old man who answers. “Well, we’ve never seen this effect before, so effectively we can’t rank you. As a result, you’ll need to start at the bottom.”
“A rankless, but that also has the side effect that you have no ceiling limit as well.”
“Ah, well, to be frank, you’ll start at the bottom, but as you’re the first of your kind, we don’t know your limits. In a word, your potential is limitless. Only time will tell if you are the weakest of the weak or the strongest thing this world has ever seen. You’ll be constantly seen as complete trash by your peers until you prove to them your strength, one rank at a time. There are a thousand ranks… in the first profound realm, and there are like ten realms, so it’ll be a while. Plenty of time to stretch this story out forever.”
“Can’t we just assume I’m probably powerful and everyone can start treating me with at least the basest level of human decency?”
“What? Hah! No! To summarize, you and your family will be treated like garbage, until you steadily climb one rank at a time, getting your vengeance a handful of people at a time as the next progressively higher group continues to look down at you.”
“How long will this continue?”
“Oh, I don’t know, until you beat everyone up I guess.”
I give a sigh as everyone stares down at me, most with superiority and disdain. Ah, well, either way, I’m going to rise to be the most powerful person alive. To protect my family, or for money, or women? Or something… does anyone really care? I’m going to be super powerful, let’s just leave it at that. But for the moment, I guess nothing was going to change after all. You’re just going to get the same crap, over and over again for the next 5000 chapters. Enjoy!