Every Zombie Story Ever Written
It had been five years since the FU virus distributed out to the population through the actions of scary science and caused the end of the world. Remember kids, science is bad. Now, enjoy your iphones. The virus infected the human mind, killing people instantly, and turning the host into a ravenous meat eater who murders others, which means it really makes no sense as far as how the virus propagates itself, but just role with it.
The world was now dark and degraded. Even though it’s only been five years, every car looked rusted out, a paint job that’d probably last a decade scraped clean… because zombies. The streets were also trashed… because zombies. Even the concrete jobs that should last twenty years are completely broken apart, because… zombies? I mean… something tore the concrete up, cause it’s not like vehicles have been driving on them. I mean, ice and wind will eventually do their part, but still, this shit was made to last and… excuse me… I digress.
The world is examined through a dark filter like every gritty movie from the last decade. Through that world, a lone man walks on next to his incredibly attractive girlfriend, whom, despite having no access to toiletry, makeup, or hair supplies for years on end, still looks pretty damn hot. He’s carrying a double-barreled shotgun, which is the best weapon for killing zombies presuming there is no more than two zombies. She had a little pistol, because she’s a girl and girls don’t get big guns.
“There are no deadilydoos nearby.” The man says looking around.
“Do we really have to go with the name, deadilydoo? Can’t we just call them zo-.”
“Shhh! If you use their name you give them power. Let’s not mention the chewychewychumbas again.”
“They aren’t Voldemort. God, damn it.”
“Speaking of which, there is a church up there. We should stop for a bit. It’s either the church, the high school, or the hospital across the street.”
“Well, the hospital might actually have things we need, and the churches all seem to contain insane preachers.”
“Right, church it is.”
“Sigh… let’s just get this over with.”
The pair walk over to the church and open the doors. Even though lighting no longer exists, the place is well-lit enough to see without problems or a need for a flashlight. It had been complete torn up. The pews are tossed up. Trash liters the ground. The floor is partially collapsed.
“Wow, do you notice that every place we visit, despite having been abandoned for only five years, looks like a mosh pit rammed through it.” The man asks.
“Rule number 1, Zombies are assholes.” The girl talks. “They just tear up crap when you’re not looking.”
“Do you mean the walky bity bad people?”
“I’m not calling them that.” The girl snaps.
The pair of them walk through the deserted church until they start hearing a voice. It sounds like someone insane giving a sermon. Suddenly, a crazy preacher jumps out.
“We all must be bit in order to accept god’s reverence!”
“Accept my bullet in your face!” The guy points the gun at the crazy preacher.
“Yes, send me to the lord!” The man shouts.
“Wait, honey, look, he’s been bit!”
“What? Why does that mean I should wait?”
“Because he’ll die anyway?”
“Yeah, and turn into a zombie, and eat all of us!”
“Oh… let’s just tie him up and leave him alive so we can regret it later, he’s harmless.”
The priest laughs maniacally as he figits and twitches like a crazy bastard.
“Fine… Hey, priest, is there anyone else hidden away with you?”
“Oh, yes! I have four other people with me. Let me show you!”
The priest moves to the back room and there are four people just as he said.
The girl comes forward first, “Hi, I’m a balls to the walls tough girl who doesn’t take shit from no one and will die spontaneously in the third act! I immediately will fight your girlfriend on every decision she makes, and will be the source of some jealousy later when you listen to me over her.”
“I hate her already.” The girlfriend responds.
“Wait, did we even establish we’re dating?” The man asks.
“Well, we’re a man and a woman of roughly the same age together in the apocalypse, so naturally…”
“Gotcha, who else we got?”
“I’m a middle-aged business man. I used to be a boss in the old world, and even after five years, I’m still going to act like a complete and selfish asshole before it gets me killed.” A man nods and twiddles his mustache.
Another man steps forward. “I’m just a down-to-earth loving father whose simply here to die and provide emotional notes as I remember losing my whole family.
The down-to-earth father cries and the girlfriend pats him on the back in support as he recalls how his daughter had bit his wife and how he had to put them both down.
A little boy or girl, who the hell cares, stands up. “I am your hope for the future. Hopefully, you’ll feel the need to protect me for the rest of this story, upping the sense of tension in every scene.”
“Ah, shit, now we have a kid? Which one of us never wanted to have kids?” The boyfriend asks.
“That was you, I believe…” the girl frowns.
“Ah, thank god. That means I’ll be the one to grow emotionally and learn to want to protect her, why you’re the one who will die in the third act trying to protect her.”
“That’s not necessarily true, I could live and it could help strengthen our relationship!”
“Except we’re not having relationship problems!”
“Ah, shit… ah, well, I hate you and I’m jealous and…”
“Too late! Oh shit, the priest is a zombie now.”
The priest zombie jumps onto the down-to-earth father and the scene becomes tense as they wrestle while the boyfriend waves his gun around for thirty seconds doing nothing before finally shooting the zombie in the head just as the tempo rises.
“Oh, man, we should not have left that guy alive. You alright down-to-earth father?”
“Actually, even though all five of you were here watching the whole scene and there was no way the zombie could of bitten me, well, I’ve been bitten.”
“… is what I would say, but instead I’m going to hide the bite for the next ten chapters, only turning when it is absolutely least convenient for all of you. I know I’ve been in this world for five years and I should know how damaging this is and I could literally do ANYTHING other than hide it, but randomly turning and probably threatening the kid to drive up tension is really what I want to happen next.”
“Sounds reasonable.” The boyfriend agrees.
“Alright, that’s all good, but now that the group is together even though none of us have any real reason to travel together, where are we heading next?” The girlfriend asks.
“That’s right, we need some actual goal to drive up tension!” The boyfriend nods.
“Well, before the radios went out, there was a signal coming from some place on the other side of the country claiming they were Zombie free, so we could go there.” The tough girl suggests.
“That’s good! But we need more motivation.”
“Before the breakout, my parents were on the other side of the country on a business trip.” The young kid of indiscrete gender suggests. “We could go find my parents even though they are almost certainly dead.”
“Well,” says the clearly shady and can’t be trusted business-type man, “I happen to know the cure and if you take me to the other side of the country this can somehow save all of us. You know, the military has the power and capability to develop and distribute a cure, but apparently can’t pull up the resources to come to us or make themselves contactable.”
“Of course! Sold. Other side of the country it is.”
“So, let’s get going!”
“Except, while we were chatting in this church, a horde of zombies have now surrounded it and we have to fight our way out.” The boyfriend sighs.
“How the heck did zombies know we were in this building?” The clearly-bitten dad suggests.
“What about how did a massive horde of zombies “sneak” around us without nobody noticing the massive moaning sounds?” The tough girl adds.
“How about, why are they not attacking us if they know we’re here enough to horde in the first place? I mean, they are just waiting there to mess up our day.” Someone says, does it really matter who said it, these characters all interchangeable anyway.
“As I already said,” the girlfriend spoke up. “Zombies are assholes. So, what is the plan?”
“Well,” The boyfriend considers, “I reckon we can have one of us slather ourselves in zombie guts, get through the horde, and then use noises to distract them and get them to chase after him, and then somehow have him shake off the horde, which we could all just do as a group, but would be way more suspenseful if we split up and thus don’t know if everyone is alright.”
“Any other options.”
“Kill them, kill them all.” The boyfriend nods.
“Really? That’s it? Suspenseful sneaking or killing?” The asshole of the group speaks up. “Can’t we, I don’t know, lay low and wait it out?”
Everyone bursts out laughing, and while the boyfriend wipes a tear from his eyes and says. “Yeah, like that’ll happen. Next, you’ll suggest we head up to the attic or some other unreachable place, and perhaps set up a system were we can systematical kill the zombies one at a time where they can’t reach us with a long makeshift spear or something.”
“Sorry, didn’t mean to suggest anything so stupid. Let’s just run out there without any armor, protection, or even, I don’t know, a sweater, and lose half the crew to random and easily avoidable zombie bites.”
“Hey, it has worked for us so far! We’ve only lost… honey, how many of our companions have died so far.” The boyfriend asks.
“Ten, twenty? I lost count.”
“You guys certainly have my trust, truly deserving of calling the shots, even though other people in the group actually have leadership roles in the old world and your only qualifications are being young and having an opinion.” The tough girl says.
“You’re a bitch.” The girlfriend says.
“Right back at you.”
“Girls, girls… let’s talk about this while we’re killing the zombies, because that’s the best time to drop hard truths and settle gripes.”
“Alright, let’s go in 1, 2, 3….”
They burst out the door and start killing zombies easily in ridiculously impractical ways.
“I never knew a telephone would make such a good weapon to kill zombies.”
“I just killed a zombie with a pencil!”
“Ah, even though we just easily offed fifty zombies, this one zombie is now giving me problems!”
“Now we’re being overwhelmed by zombies, why did we think five people could fight off 500 zombies!”
“I know what can stop them, a single wooden door! Close it!”
They shut the door, stopping the massive horde of frenzied monsters in their tracks as they seem unable to barrel through a hollow wooden door with a cheap $10 lock.
“Things are looking bad, we’ll need to escape out of the window we could have escaped out of earlier.”
They do that, and somehow actually escape. No, I won’t explain how. It just happens. Now they’re in a car, because apparently hotwiring is just a simple thing people pick up and one guy in the group knows how. Suddenly, the car sputters to a stop. Without warning, the car was out of gas.
“If only cars had some kind of warning before hand to let us know we were low on gas, this horrible event is completely unexpected.”
“Don’t worry, even though the world ended and we could literally take cars that have never been used before straight from new car lots and can reliably cross the entire country in a few days, we’ll keep swiping beat up pieces of crap that break down every fifty miles.”
“Oh, but wait, a problem has arrived!”
“What problem is that, how are we going to end this chapter?”
“Of freaking course. I was thinking insane military d-bags or crazy cannibals, but we need to save something for the rest of the book!”
And they do.