“You can’t stay here, Allan. I’m already stuck with a gender-confused love demon and a time-traveling cowardly lion. I really don’t need a silver-wearing, super-intelligent alien living with me as well.” I stated after opening the door to reveal the attractive boy standing there in an outfit somewhere between normal and alien.
“Ridiculous. It’s grey, not silver, and this color just happens to look good on me. Besides, I am not interested in living with you, even though you blew up my ship. I have found an adequate place to stay in the meantime.”
“First off, Red Six wasn’t your ship. It didn’t even come from the same franchise. Second, how the heck was I supposed to land that thing when all I could see were sweaty biceps?”
Not that I was complaining, but the skinship I was forced to endure with ten hot boys wasn’t as great a fantasy as I would have liked it to be. Instead, it was hot, sweaty, and uncomfortable. I’m sure that wouldn’t deter Samantha’s fantasies, but she’d never hear about it if I had my way.
We were lucky I even made it back to Earth. We had to use Allan’s transporter as the ship exploded against the atmosphere. How was I supposed to know that ships couldn’t just enter the atmosphere?
“Ridiculous.” Allan responded stiffly.
“Well, it’s good you got a place to stay, I guess.” I sighed, ignoring the memories of the last few days. “Do you want to come in? Mom’s out right now. We can chat in my living room.”
Allan nodded and joined me. As I came to the realization I was standing in my house unsupervised with an attractive boy, a strange atmosphere started to form. We stood awkwardly for a few minutes in the living room, avoiding looking at each other. It had been almost a week since we had returned from the ship. Andrew had pushed himself off into seclusion, looking into what his uncle had told him. The rest of the boys were the same as always.
Stephan was still looking into the disappearances. Daniel was testing out different deodorants. Well, it wasn’t like I was going to explain to him that the problem was that he smelled too good. Victor went back away on a tour. Alex recovered once Allan had his glasses back on and pouted the rest of the week at being so easily seduced. Samantha covered my butt again with my mom, just a little jealous that she didn’t get to come along on this trip; not that she knew anything other than that I went on some kind of surprise H club retreat.
Just two days prior, Mr. Xavier demanded a date in exchange for the zero I got from a missed quiz to be changed to 100%. How desperate did he think I was? I politely explained to him that school policy excused absences and that I had been called in on both days, thanks to Alex. He couldn’t give me a zero even if he wanted to do so. He was not happy about it, but he did quiet down when I mentioned telling the counselors I was being sexually harassed.
“So … what have you been doing these days?” I asked Allan, my thoughts coming back to the present.
“I’ve decided that since I am stranded on Earth, I might as well complete my mission of data gathering. It is a lot of the reason I came here.”
“That was something I forgot to ask before; what kind of information are you gathering on Earth?”
“Didn’t I tell you already? I thought it was obvious. My current mission,” Allan readjusted his glasses, “is to acquire a complete knowledge base on the mating habits of intelligent life forms on this planet.”
“Of course, even monkeys and dolphins have some intelligence, so I have been collecting research humans already performed on this planet on a large array of animals. Humans themselves, on the other hand, have been tricky. Gaining consent, for example, would almost certainly require me to reveal that I’m an alien. It is so much easier with someone who already knows.”
“I really don’t like where this is going…” I started to back up a bit as Allan’s eyes grew in intensity.
“You see, you seem to be a perfect research specimen to gain a better understanding of human breeding practices. You are at the prime virile age of female adolescence and are currently being courted by a large array of Alpha-type males.”
“I am not,” I sputtered. “What are you even talking about?”
“I believe that if I keep observing you, I will be able to collect a fairly comprehensive assortment of data on male and female interactions. This is why I had contacted you before. Simply from reading the books about you, I was convinced you’d make a perfect specimen for mating research.”
“You read those? Allan, it’s not like … I don’t … .you …” I couldn’t come up with anything to say. “Wait, are you suggesting you want to mate with me?!”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Allan straightened his back while I gave a relieved sigh. “Naturally, that would be one of the later stages of the research. A stage 3 trial, perhaps.”
“So, you do want to mate with me!”
“Eventually; but right now I am working on understanding certain research material I recently acquired. I was hoping for your help in explaining them.”
“So, you’re just going to ignore the casual suggestion of sex?!” I cried, and then let out a sigh. “Never mind; what is your question?”
“Well, for example, I’ve recently found this piece.” Allan pulled out what looked like a DVD case and handed it to me.
As soon as my brain registered what I was looking at, I dropped it like a snake. “Wha … what are you doing with that?”
Allan calmly bent over and picked it up. “I told you; performing research. This DVD, Naughty Vixens 3, seems to engage in women spending a great deal of time spanking each other. This seems to arouse the man, who then, in turn, spanks both women. Would you describe this as a typical mating ritual for humans?”
“I …” I shrugged, at a loss for words. “Maybe if it’s Samantha…”
“And can you please explain to me the idea of ‘BDSM’? I’ve seen the term before, but it always seems to lead to the book, 50 Shades of Grey. The book seems to possess more of this spanking as well as a certain degree of chains and straps. I am also curious about the concept of dirty talk. It seems to suggest that calling women derogatory terms will prepare them for sexual intercourse. You whore.”
“Hmmm…” He watched my expression, shaking his head and writing something down while speaking to himself. “Not aroused by derogatory terms.”
“Allan.” I cringed. “Can’t you ask the health teacher about this?”
“I already did, but he shook his head and walked away. Maybe I should ask Alex …”
“No! No, don’t ask her!” I didn’t even want to think about what she would tell him.
Allan stopped talking and watched me, waiting for an answer. I pinched my nose, squeezing my eyes shut. I was entirely too young to give this talk.
“Allan, you’re going to freaking owe me after this one,” I insisted. “I only know these things because Samantha has wasted entirely too much time corrupting my mind.”
Allan nodded calmly. “Very well; please show me.”
“Alright then.” I sighed. “Here, let me introduce you to the internet.”